In December 2011, my grandfather passed away and my life spiraled out of control. I hated the world, I hated my career, I felt the world (or God) was being so unfair. I couldn’t relate to my boyfriend (now husband) and I wanted to numb myself, whether through alcohol or sleep. I hit a low, one that I didn’t know I would get out of. I would sit at my job, listening to clients voice their opinions about something they didn’t like about our product (I was running a fairly successful technology business) and what was running through my mind was “Really, you’re getting upset over this. There are so many bigger problems out there, my grandpa is gone, my mom has MS and now can’t walk) and you want me to care about this, just FUCK off”.
Not a good way to think or feel that’s for sure, but that is where I was at. I remember calling my mom, and expressing these thoughts, as she has always been my spiritual rock, but even she didn’t know what to say or do to help me move forward.
I knew I didn’t want to live like this, I needed help, but I didn’t know where to begin. A couple of years before that though, I had met a woman named Lana who went from the high-stress corporate world to quitting everything to start her own executive coaching business. What struck me about her though was her story, when she told me, I could feel her emotional journey through me. I am very much an empath, so when someone feels deep, it can resonate throughout me. I couldn’t forget her journey because of what it symbolized. Career-wise to the outside world she was on top of her game, but inside she showed signs of being broken, flailing in the wind. Yet, I could see her rainbow and she was on the path to realizing a happier place in her life. Wow, that felt so powerful. That moment was the beginning, of shifting my mindset to what “success” meant. Her corporate job sounded like the ultimate success, however, no matter how amazing her life looked from the outside, she was miserable during that phase of her life and needed to find a new path to defining who she was.
I realized that if I was this unhappy, something was missing from my life and I needed to find out why. I called Lara and she agreed to meet for lunch. That was a tough day. I was both relieved to see her and yet had so much anxiety. I didn’t know how to explain what was happening in my life. I was worried I would be judged or she wouldn’t want or be able to help me.
In the book, The Purpose Driven Life, the author asks:
“What are you pretending isn’t a problem in your life? What are you afraid to talk about? You’re not going it on your own. Yes, it is humbling to admit our weaknesses to others, but a lack of humility is the very thing that is keeping you from getting better.”
Rick Warren
The Bible also states, “God sets Himself against the proud, but he shows favor to this humble. So humble yourselves before God. (14)”.
Here I was at a very vulnerable moment, about to reveal what was going on in my life, how I was feeling, and trust that she would support me in my time of need. My humble self.
She took it all in and listened to me intently as I finally released the pressure and despair that had been building up. She was reassuring and kind, but most of all I respected her honesty when she told me she didn’t think her coaching style was what I needed. She further went on to say, “Elisse, I think what you are going through is grieving”. Or what is defined as deep mental suffering? While she felt she wasn’t the best person to help me in my time of need, she did direct me to someone who had more expertise in the field of depression or more clearly grief. It started with a session every week, where I would often cry the entire time, transitioning to every other week, to monthly, and now a couple of times a year.
My therapist is still my life raft in times of need or when I need reassurance. Not only did she help me break down the barriers of my grief and sadness, we worked together to discover more about myself and what I wanted out of life.
What I now realize is that grief is a part of life. You learn to move through it. You learn to embrace it, to lean in and love a little deeper, and to live more. My grandpa’s passing was a trigger that opened my eyes to the grief I was already holding that I hadn’t dealt with or embraced, the current grief of his passing, and a starting point to redirect what I wanted my future to look like.
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