The 4 Best Things to Say to a Person Grieving
Even the most empathetic people can have trouble finding the right words for someone who is experiencing loss. Though you are undoubtedly well-intentioned, what you want to say may not exactly be the right thing to say in the moment.
Grief is an incredibly personal process. Just like there is no “one-size-fits-all” experience of grief, there are also no perfect cookie-cutter things to say to a person grieving.
The right and wrong things to say when someone is grieving might also depend on your relationship with the bereaved. At the end of the day, you best understand your dynamic with the person. The boundaries are different for a coworker than for a close friend or family member.
The best things to say when someone is grieving may also depend on which stage of grief they are currently experiencing.
We’ll skip past “I’m so sorry for your loss”, as this one is tried and true. Let’s take a look at what we believe to be some better things to say to someone grieving while remaining sincere, compassionate, and respecting their boundaries.
“Would you like to talk about it?”
When you ask someone if they would like to talk about how they feel, you are inviting them to either engage or politely decline. This is a great way to make sure that you are not crossing their boundaries. Some of us are verbal processors who want a listening ear to help us process our emotions. Others may prefer to mourn alone and process emotions internally.
By asking whether they would like to engage with you, you can assess what type of support you can provide them.
“I have some fond memories of _____, would you like to hear them?”
Humans have the wonderful ability to touch people’s lives without even realizing it. A small interaction with a person may have brightened your day and made a lasting impact, unbeknownst to others.
By offering a sentimental memory, you can remind the person who is grieving that their loved one’s memories live on within a whole network of people.
“Remember to take care of yourself.”
Grief is an all-consuming event. Folks who are grieving are less likely to practice basic forms of self-care, so they might need a gentle reminder to prioritize their needs.
Self-care endeavors don’t have to be extravagant, but it might be nice to offer to join them for a spa day or buy them a massage. However, as we mentioned at the start, it’s about assessing what you think the person might want or need, as well as what’s reasonable for you to offer.
Actions speak louder than words
If you really don’t know what to say when someone passes away, that’s okay too. If you find yourself in this position, try thinking of something you can do for the person.
In the midst of funeral arrangements, bereaving folks may not have the time or emotional resources to take care of their own needs.
Some acts of kindness for someone who is grieving may include:
- Bringing them food
- Offering to help with cleaning
- If something is broken, offer to help fix it
- Offer to cover a shift for them at work
The 4 Worst Things to Say to a Person Grieving
We don’t believe that any “worst” thing said to a grieving person is said with ill intention. It usually comes from a place of love and concern.
If you have found that you’ve repeated one of the phrases below to someone who has recently lost a loved one, don’t beat yourself up about it. Just be mindful of why these phrases may not resonate as well as you hoped they would.
“You need to be strong for _______.”
This “advice” is particularly common for parents or spouses who are experiencing grief, who have dependents. It is also more likely to be directed toward men.
Though this sentiment may be well-meaning, it invalidates the grieving person’s feelings. Instead of being given the space to mourn, this can be interpreted as an instruction to suppress feelings for the sake of someone else. Not only is this unfair, but it’s unhealthy.
“I can’t imagine being in your position. I wouldn’t be able to cope.”
Though this may seem empathetic, the person who is experiencing loss knows that their situation is difficult; they don’t need a reminder. By expressing that you wouldn’t know how to navigate the situation if you were in their shoes, you are also making it about you and how you would hypothetically feel.
Instead, focus on what they want or need at the moment with the given circumstances.
“Everything happens for a reason.”
This may be said with the intention of being comforting. That the trajectory of our lives is ultimately out of our hands. There is a larger “plan”; for religious folks, God’s plan.
However, even if you believe that things do happen for a reason, it does not diminish the pain and hardships of grief.
This may be acceptable if you know the person would find comfort in it, but we caution you against using this phrase on someone you are not close with.
Anything that makes the conversation about you
Before going further, there are scenarios where comparing your experience with grief can be extraordinarily helpful. Someone who has recently lost a parent may find solace in discussing how another person who has lost their parent feels and how they processed their feelings.
However, making the conversation about you and how you feel instead of how they feel may be (unintentionally) dismissive. As always, assess the situation and do what feels right.
What to say to someone who has lost a loved one
Grief doesn’t come with a manual, for both the person who has lost a loved one and the people in their life attempting to console them. To summarize, when you’re coming up with the best things to say to a person grieving:
- Make sure that what you say is genuine
- Be mindful of the stage of grief they’re in
- Assess your relationship with the person
- Try acting instead of speaking
- Practice compassion
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