Choosing Joy Wasn’t Enough.

What Grief Taught Me About Practicing Joy

For a long time, my thoughts were filled with what ifs.

What if my husband Shawn hadn’t died.

What if I had made the phone call that might have saved my little brother, Gary Jr.

What if I hadn’t stayed numb for so long.

Those questions took up residence in my mind – my days, my nights, my energy. Grief fed the should haves, would haves, and could haves. I replayed moments, conversations, and choices over and over again in my head, believing that if I thought about them long enough, something might change.

It didn’t.

What I came to realize, slowly, so painfully, is that those thoughts did not bring my loved ones back. They only continued to steal and rob me of my Joy.

Grief has a way of creating monsters in the dark.

They arrive uninvited in quiet moments.

They whisper blame, regret, and fear.

When grief is left unattended, pain can feel like it’s winning, and we can feel stuck.

For a long time, I lived there.

And the truth is, grief never truly goes away. We simply find ways to suppress it or learn how to live alongside it.

Everything began to shift when I stopped asking what if and allowed myself to instead say, Thank You.

Thank You for the love I shared with Shawn – and for the two beautiful humans we brought into the world together.

Thank You for letting me be a big sister to the coolest kid, lover of music, father to my little nieces, and best little brother anyone could ever ask for.

Thank You for the unexpected way Gary Jr. led me to the love of my life, best friend and husband Adam – and for the love I found even after profound loss.

I wouldn’t be who I am today without them.

I will always love them. I will always miss them.

And they remain with me, always in my everyday, in every way – in how I live, how I love, and how I choose to show up each day. That is a beautiful gift.

Through grief, I learned there are two enduring truths – one rooted in life, and one rooted in love.

Life Lesson: Nothing lasts forever. Everything – both the good and the bad, has an expiration date.

Love Lesson: Grief remains because love existed. And neither ever truly disappears. When I accepted that both would stay with me, in everything I do, every single day – I felt something unexpected.

Freedom.

Once we realize that all we have is “Now”, then we are free to live in the Present Moment. What a gift.

Grief taught me presence.

Present Moment Awareness became the most profound gift I could receive. I cannot change the past. Tomorrow is not promised – to anybody.

All we truly have is here – and now.

Life is precious. The greatest gift we have is the present moment. Grief reveals this truth -because it reminds us that time is not guaranteed. When we realize that the present moment is all we truly have, we become free to live it fully.

That awareness is a precious gift. Choosing to be present in our time together is the greatest gift we can give to ourselves and to one another.

What happened to me was not my fault. I did not choose to be a young widow. I did not choose to be a single mom, and then a survivor of suicide. I have no power over what happened, and no way of knowing what’s next.

And this is where I learned something essential:

Choosing Joy wasn’t enough.

I could choose Joy.

I could want it, wish for it. I could believe in it.

And still – grief showed up. With its heavy thoughts. It’s fear. It’s familiar monsters – overwhelming sadness, mental and emotional anguish, guilt – unspeakable grief.

Choosing Joy did not make grief disappear. Joy had to be practiced. Practicing Joy meant inviting it into my daily life, even when grief was loud.

It meant noticing moments of light without guilt. It meant moving my body, caring for my health, breathing out loud, allowing laughter to exist beside my sorrow.

It meant still seeing the beauty in a yellow rose, every time I see one, instead of seeing the sorrow from the death of my brother – when we laid them and his ashes into the water at Priest Lake.

I learned that Joy is not the opposite of grief.

It is one way we survive it.

Joy is not denial.

Joy is our responsibility.

Because the unmistakable, cruel, but yet, most beautiful thing about life is it will go on.

Practicing Joy did not erase my loss, but it gave me a way to live fully again.

It gave me agency.

It gave me strength.

It gave me permission to keep going without leaving my loved ones behind.

Being Happy takes courage.

Having Joy takes practice.

And it is one of the ways we honor those we love – because they are, and always will be, with us.

So today, breathe and be in the now. Be in the present moment. Practice Joy, while embracing grief – willingly, lovingly, and in honor and delight of our loss or precious loved ones.

Meet Edie

Her own journey with loss deepened her understanding that Joy and sorrow are not opposites, but companions. Through her “Embracing Grief” and “Practicing Joy” theories and framework, Edie helps others understand what happens in the brain and body during grief, and how small, intentional moments of connection, gratitude, and compassion can gently support healing, Hope and Happiness Wellbeing.

She believes in the power of emotional education, human connection, and the courage it takes to keep showing up — even in our saddest seasons. Her work continues to contribute to the Science of Wellbeing & Happiness Health Studies.