Grieving The Loss of a Toxic Mother

When you lose a parent, it is devastating, but when you lose a parent who was toxic, it is
complicated. This is my story of losing a mother who was abusive and how I dealt with these
complex feelings of grief.

Let’s start off by saying, I did not have the perfect childhood – I mean, who has? My parents
divorced when I was very young, and my mom got sole custody of us. She had the task of taking care of 3 kids – myself, my twin sister, and my older brother. It wasn’t the typical divorced family life. We basically had an absentee father, and my mother had her own problems. For one, she was living with an undiagnosed mental illness, which may or may not have contributed to her treatment of us. We will get to that a little later. For now, I want to talk about my mother’s death and how it affected my life. As I am writing this, I am in the midst of my grief. My mom died 4 months ago, so these are very raw emotions. I know it will be hard for me to write down my feelings about her life and death, but here it goes…

To say my mother and I had a strained relationship is an understatement. As an adult, it was
nonexistent. As a child, it was complicated. She never showed us any love or affection. She was angry, bitter, and verbally abusive, but I still loved her.

You never think about your parents’ dying. You always think they will somehow always be
there, until it actually happens, then your whole world gets turned upside down. Mind you, I
always said if my mom died, I would never be sad and never miss her, but that wasn’t the case.
In fact, my mom dying is the hardest thing I have ever gone through in my entire life.

Of course, you go through the natural grieving process, which I am still in the midst of. I still
can’t believe she’s gone – it is surreal. When my mom died, any hope for a relationship died
with her. I will never get an apology and will never be able to ask her why. That door has closed and can never be reopened. I am struggling with the fact that I will never get those answers. This is the hardest part of my mom’s death – I will never get the closure I need to move on, but I know I have to somehow get through this, and writing this article is my first step in helping me heal.

I used to think I had no love for my mom. I mean, I never really missed her as an adult. She was
never involved in my life, so there was nothing to miss about her. Now that she is gone, my
feelings have changed. I realized that I love my mom more than I thought and actually miss her. I know what you’re thinking. How could I miss someone who was toxic and never involved in my life? It’s hard to explain. I guess I am mourning the relationship that never was, and I always wanted to have. My mother’s death changed my life. I no longer see things the same way. Life is so fragile, and we spend it being bitter and angry. At least that’s what I did with my mom. However, there was a good reason behind my anger, and we will get to that now…

My parents divorced when I was very young. I remember on one particular occasion when my
dad stormed into the house with a friend and forcefully took us away from her. It was actually
like a tug-of-war – my mom pulling one half of me while my dad had the other. My dad won in
the end, but the one thing I will always remember about that time was what I was yelling as my dad came in to take us. Both my sister and I were standing behind the couch, banging our hands and chanting, “Daddy, daddy, daddy!” I remember my mom’s face, and I could see the hurt in her eyes. I don’t know if my mom was upset because she was losing us or because she wouldn’t be getting any more money. I know that’s a horrible thing to say, but it’s the truth. I never really knew if my mom truly loved me.

My mom definitely had a warped view of life and how to love. To her, hurting people was all
she knew how to do. She didn’t know how to love. When you have a parent you love
unconditionally, but that love is not reciprocated, it’s hurtful. That kind of hurt never goes
away.

Here I am at 51 years old and still feel that immense pain of being unloved. Throughout all of
this, I still loved my mom. She was the only mom I knew.

After her death, I found out that she was abused as a child, so I understood why she was that
person; however, it still did not justify her actions toward her children. After finding out this
new information, I was able to allow myself to give my mom some grace.

Everyone deals with trauma in different ways – my mom chose to be an angry, abusive person. I chose the alternative route and decided not to let my abusive childhood define me.

When I learned my mom was dying, I had a lot of complicated emotions. I wasn’t sure how to
feel. On the outside, I was okay with it because, as an adult, I didn’t really know my mom. I
didn’t think it would affect me like it did.

When I heard my mom was sick, I went to visit her in the hospital and was told she didn’t have
long to live, and that’s when the reality of my mom being gone forever set in. When I first
walked into the hospital room and saw my mom in the bed on a ventilator, it really hurt to see
her that way. Despite all the negative feelings I had about her, she was still my mother, and I
didn’t want to see her suffer.

I asked to be alone with her so I could say my final goodbye.

I remember standing at her bedside with tears rolling down my cheeks. This was my mom, and
she was dying, and that’s when my emotions took over…

I told my mom that I forgave her for everything she did and that I loved her. She looked at me
and mouthed, “I love you.” I kissed my finger, touched her forehead, and said: “Goodbye,
mom.”

It was the hardest thing I had ever done in my life. As I was leaving, I looked in her room one
final time and knew that would be the last time I would see her alive. She died a week later. I
will forever have that final image of her ingrained in my mind.

You have to understand, I didn’t even think I loved my mom, and to feel all these complex
emotions was confusing. I guess they call this complicated grief because you are mourning the person and the relationship you never had and always wanted at the same time. My life was forever changed after that.

How has my life changed after my mom’s death? You may be thinking that life without my
mother isn’t all that different, due to the lack of relationship, but I have to say, my life has
drastically changed since she’s been gone. I see things differently. I see people differently. I am
no longer the same person I was. My outlook on life has changed.

It is still hard for me to believe my mom is no longer here. Growing up, she was a big part of my
life. I spent almost every day of my childhood with her. Of course, a lot of those days were not
the greatest, but she was there each and every day. She gave birth to me, and I was with her
until I moved out at age 19. As an adult, she was in and out of my life, but again, she was still
my mother, and I think I took for granted that she would always be there; THERE meaning, just
living here on earth, not a mom being there for her daughter.

As an adult, I never once thought about my mom in a loving way. She was always that woman
who gave birth to me, but after she died, I realized that I actually did love her, so it changed
things for me. I had a mother, now she is gone. When you lose a mother, you lose your identity
in a way. I am no longer my mother’s daughter. Even though we weren’t close, the emotional
toll is still the same. Losing a mother is a significant loss regardless of the relationship you had.

How has life been without my mom? Well, it hasn’t changed much. I never saw or spoke to her
very often, so from that perspective, it wasn’t a huge loss. I am still doing the same things I
always did – cooking dinner, cleaning the house, taking the kids to their activities, and
celebrating special occasions. That part of my life has not been altered much by her death. The only thing that has changed is my perspective. I no longer have this immense hatred for my mother. Since finding out about my mom’s childhood and the horrific things she endured, I feel sorrow for her. I am able to view the other side, my mom’s side. As I said before, her actions
are in no way justifiable, just understandable. I know why she was that person, and I have to
give her some grace. So, life without my mom is both unchanged and changed if that makes any sense. Unchanged in the sense that my everyday life is still the same, but my perspective on life is drastically different.

Here I am, 4 months into my grief, and I still feel like my mom just died yesterday. My feelings are so new and raw, I sometimes feel like I will never get over it. Some days, I feel okay, like I can
get through the day without crying or thinking of my mom constantly. But most days, it is
difficult to deal with everyday activities. I do it because I have to. I have two kids that need me,
so I have to be present for them.

I don’t think we can ever move on completely from losing a parent, whether you were close or
not. It takes time to heal. I know people who lost loved ones 20 years ago, and they still grieve
for them. The grief never disappears – it just gets easier to manage.

double whammy. You are mourning the person as well as the relationship that you never had
with them. With my mom, I have guilt, regret, and now a newfound love for her, so it will take
me a long time to come to terms with her death.

If you have lost someone close to you who was toxic, give yourself time to manage these
complex feelings. It is normal to feel guilt, anger, and even regret. Don’t forget, this is a more
complicated grief, so it may take a long time to work through your feelings.

For me, I know my mom loved me in her own way and I know I will get through this and so will
you.